2 years ago in May 2014 I was discharged from counselling, free to go out into the world and try to fix my own life instead of with the help of my counsellor.
Yesterday in work I was hoovering the shop when I turned to see my old counsellor shopping with her children. I was immediately overcome with emotion, having not seen this woman for 2 years yet she had such a massive impact on my life.
To this day I still think about everything she taught me. I still ask myself what she might say if I told her about what I was thinking or feeling and how she might suggest dealing with it. I remember how she would laugh about forgetting tissues for each of my appointments despite the fact I cried buckets each time. I remember the fear she showed in her eyes when I told her my darkest thoughts. I remember the pride on her face as she pointed out my cut free arms and the fact I was even showing them.
This woman changed my life so imagine my surprise when I saw her again.
I was out in the real world, doing real people things, surviving and even living each day as best I could. This was something I never thought I’d be able to accomplish a few years ago.
Those of you who have never suffered with mental health problems probably think I’m crazy and over reacting and looking for attention. I am glad that’s what you think because it means you’ve never had to suffer through what I, and so many others have.
Every day I woke up I felt I was in a nightmare. I didn’t even feel I had a future nor did I feel like I deserved one and this woman helped show me that I do deserve it. I deserve happiness and love and I should value the little bean that I am.
It’s crazy to think that each day my counsellor sees different patients, patients who may be with her a few weeks or a few months, patients who move on and are replaced by other patients and she may never get to see the massive impact she could have had on their lives. I may have been just a patient to her, but she means so much to me. She saw me at my absolute worst. She saw and heard things from me that no one else has. She saw me struggle with panic attacks, even sat right there in front of her. She saw me try to hide my cuts from her. She saw my endless tears when I talked about how I felt and how I didn’t want to disappoint my family. She heard my deepest darkest thoughts and still she got me through it.
Without this woman I would be in a much worse place than I am now and probably than I’ve ever been. I truthfully may not even have made it to right now which is the scariest thought. She taught me I had worth and I have learned so much from her.
I was so happy when I saw her yesterday and so happy when she said I looked good because I really just want her to know that I miss her and she saved me and she’s doing a damn good job. I think so much strain is put on mental health professionals and they get a lot of stick. People aren’t happy with the treatment they get and automatically think it’s down to the professional they get paired with but truth is the patient has to do just as much work. Sometimes pairings don’t work, sometimes patients are lazy, sometimes patients just aren’t ready for therapy or it isn’t for them and that’s okay. But I think taking away from the professionals who really make a difference in lives is unfair.
I was so unbelievably lucky with the counsellor I was given and I will never forget her or what she taught me for as long as I live. The time I spent with her was the hardest, draining and most eye opening times of my life and it has helped me change for the better and for that I am truly thank ful.